Monday, June 2, 2014

Stream of Consciousness





I love life a little more every day I get to be alive. I am happy to finally be in a place like this. Calmness has started to grow inside of me. I have noticed it a lot lately. I sat on a bench the other day and there were several seats open around me. A woman sat right next to me instead of anywhere else. I am wondering if she felt my calm, my safety. I just want to make people feel safe with me. I never want anyone to worry that the words that come out of their mouth will be judged in my presence. I know how hard it is to talk about how you really feel. I know how it feels to have someone reject your love. I know how it feels to stay up all night crying over loss. I know. I know. I know. Pain is fleeting and thank God for that. But when it’s right there in the middle of your chest it feels like you will never see tomorrow. I have lived too many days in pain. I am not going to anymore because it’s too heavy and I don’t want to carry it with me. 

I have not always been optimistic. I used to hate myself. Or maybe I just didn’t like myself. I’m not sure which because they both involve a lot of self doubt and second guesses. I didn’t feed my body and I didn’t feed my soul. I went looking for validation in people who would never take the time to hold my hand. I wanted to find a home when all I needed to realize was my body is my home. I live here, in this space of flesh and bones, and it is supposed to feel good. I started to spend a lot of time alone. This is how I learned to love myself. Now I feel so much love that I want to show it to everyone who will allow me to do so. I now know that loving other people is an act of courage, but there is nothing more courageous than loving yourself. The kindness you feel for yourself spreads out from your finger tips and it touches everyone you talk to. I want to be that for people. I want my energy to wrap them up in a hug so they never feel alone or misunderstood.


I spent too many days holding on to pain. I don’t have to explain loss to people who have lost. There is no such thing as a bigger loss. It is what it is and it hurts all the same. I have finally given forgiveness a real effort. Letting go of things that are too heavy for me to carry is the kindest thing I have done for myself. People change, people leave, people die. We do not have to carry this weight. It is out of our control and that’s okay because we don’t need to control people. We absolutely cannot control people. Let them go. Let them change. You get to do the same thing and you can be happy. So very happy each day you get to be alive. And the best part is that you can be that light in other people's lives when they need it most. You can spend time with people you love. You can stay out late dancing and laughing until you cry. You can get lost and discover a new favorite place. You can sleep outside with the peaceful sounds of nature. You can get on a plane and immerse yourself in a new culture. You can do anything. Absolutely anything. Being alive is a blessing and maybe even a little magical. 

Until next time,

Amelia


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